Heart vs. Head

As Walk The Wheel starts to spiral into bigger and more exciting things I find myself struggling with an unexpected quandary.

Our seasonal events started because I wanted to reacquaint myself with group celebrations and at the time they didn’t exist in my new home town. It also seemed like a good way to get out and about and meet new, possibly like-minded, people. It was a risk I grant you; I had only been around town for a little over 6 months and I was asking unknown people to come along and celebrate the seasons with me and share their own creativity and inspiration in the process. A big ask indeed but it felt right and as it turns out it was exactly what I needed to do, where the Flow* needed to go.

Many of the people that gathered around me in those early days have since become friends, colleagues and regular contributors to our events. We are also blessed with new faces at almost each event, which is very exciting and gives me hope that pursuing the path of seasonal celebration and related activities is what I need to be doing right now.

Trust-dreams

This belief is, without doubt, based entirely on my heart and my intuition as opposed to solid, rational research; I haven’t been standing on the High Street with a clipboard I can assure you! This is both good and bad. I have learned over the past few years to trust these feelings and instinct with far more commitment than my mental logic and reason. The more I’ve done so the better things have turned out. But my inner pessimist, the one who used to make most of my decisions and still lurks around in the shadier corners of my brain, is just waiting for the first time my gut instinct leads me false, so it can crow and shame and cry ‘I told you so!’

Pessimism

So what should I do?

Ignore the pesky pessimist and keep taking those risky leaps into the unknown? Or take a step back now the events and the scale are getting a little bigger (and a  little more serious) and start applying some hard logic and reason to cover my bases?

Reason dictates I should be spending my personal work days (as opposed to my paid work days at the cafe) focusing on marketing, funding, planning and networking; all the incredibly serious but vital things that events like mine need to take that step away from ‘a hobby’ and into ‘a living’. These are all things I have limited experience in so I should also be seeking out advice and help (and there’s a terrified part of me that fears that’s going to cost money I don’t have!).

But my heart, my gut, my instinct is reluctant. It would rather I spend my time outdoors, soaking in the sunshine and feeling the buzz of green flutter under my skin. It wants me to go for long walks and keep building on the relationship I’m building with this Land, through footsteps and song. It wants me to wake slowly in the mornings, ease myself into the day and follow my impulses to the tasks that most stir my attention; sometimes this is writing, sometimes it’s reading, sometimes it’s washing the pots! And it also wants me to take the time to craft and create ceremony, for myself and others; to fill my life with little moments of celebration, gratitude and mindful awareness.

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Is this enough? Will any of this help me craft a living or am I destined to be a hobby horse, eventually living off my Hubby’s hard work? Those shady shadows are trying to convince me that that way madness lies, madness and selfishness and lethargy… but my heart won’t have any of it! It is determined to drive me towards joyful, inspiring, exciting things; trusting that the other necessities will come.

 

pessimism1

 

And I guess that’s what it comes down to; as much as I have experienced the power of trust and Flow I am still wary of doing something I enjoy and calling it work. I feel like I’m cheating the game, fudging my turn, about to be caught out at any moment. And not just by those around me, but by that shady character who dominates my darker thoughts; the one just waiting to catch me out and lord over my failure.

 

What do you think World? Is there an answer to this dichotomy or have I stumbled into the perpetual paradox of the self-employed? Answers in the comment box…

 

trust

 

(* I will get up a post on Flow; I promise! I’ve been meaning to for a good while now and there’s at least two drafts of it in my draft folder but.. the words just haven’t quite coalesced yet. I guess – ironically – I just have to wait for it to… flow…)

 

Picture credits:
1) quoteswave.com
2) somegyuindc.blogspot.com
3) godisheart.blogspot.co.uk
4) kaljamahalady.blogspot.com
5) datingasociopath.com
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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. southernmyst
    May 15, 2014 @ 10:01:16

    I am still wary of doing something I enjoy and calling it work. I feel like I’m cheating the game, fudging my turn, about to be caught out at any moment.

    Please don’t feel that way. Work doesn’t need to be something you don’t enjoy, and the instant it turns into that (overall, not just certain aspects) is a very sad instant indeed. Enjoying your work is one of the best gifts you can have; treasure it.

    As for the rest … if going with your heart has always helped you in the past, then do that! I can see why your heart cries out to spend time on the Land, especially at the moment: it’s gorgeous out there! We only get a scant few brilliant months like this – make the most of them. Perhaps fall and winter will feel more like time to look into those more businessy things … perhaps you’ll have a more firm understanding by then of what, precisely you want to do … perhaps by then you’ll have met people who can help you in ways you can’t even fathom right now. Who knows? But if your heart says go to the Land now, then go to the Land now.

    As for your inner bully, So What if you slip up one day? None of us are perfect, including that bully. We make mistakes, we learn from them, and we move on. To fear making mistakes is to fear living; please don’t become the shell of a human that that would cause. You’re too beautiful – in every way – for that.

    Reply

    • kelitomlin
      May 15, 2014 @ 18:23:26

      Thank you so much for such kind words. 🙂 It is such a relief to be reassured, by people who you respect and trust in their own right, that your needs and instincts might just be the right way to go.

      And of course you’re absolutely right, that submitting to the fear bully and becoming hollow as a result is never the option to choose; mistakes are tough but they’re not the end of the world. Avoiding Life to avoid mistakes however just might be…

      Reply

  2. Fay Hennell
    May 14, 2014 @ 16:50:35

    I would always say to go with your heart and instinct. It hasn’t let you down and sometimes things that seem like just fun (going to a new storytelling group) end up being more connected to the work side (making connections with new people). There does have to be some of the other stuff as marketing etc is needed to share your events with the wider world. So I suppose the answer is to do both. Have some times when you sit down and do ‘work’ things but be open to throwing it all down to have a creative or connective moment. I think speaking to other people is a good idea. People who have more experience at the other stuff. But bear in mind that turning something you love into a living does not and should not mean turning it into something you no longer enjoy. So keep the connection, because that us why you do it after all.

    Reply

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All written materials and images, unless otherwise stated, are property of Kelly Tomlin 2016.

Further reading

We gather together to Walk the Wheel; to share with one another and be inspired.